Adoption Letter

I have been working on our adoption "fundraising" letter. It's hard to put into words what has been going on over the past year and 1/2. It's hard to ask for help from people....but we know that God will provide and bless our efforts abundantly.
Clint and I started a separate blog about our adoption journey and invite you all to follow along.



Here is a LINK to the letter that I finished. It can't possibly relay the emotions we are going through, but I tried as best as I could.

We are excited and nervous about what's to come, but we know it will all be worth it in the end!!!

Project Complete!!

Everyone (*all 3 of my blog readers..haha) remembers my $100 table and chairs from Craigslist...right? It was so cute with SUCH potential!

We had to first remove the 3trillion staples off of the cushions...wish I would've figured out that we were just going to cut new seats before I spent time on these things!!! Oh well, lesson learned!

Oh the fabric....what beautiful Grandma fabric!

So this week...after many nights of sanding and priming and sanding some more...we were ready to cover the seats and finish this project!!

TA-DAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited and pleased with the way they turned out!!! LUV the fabric!

So stinking cute, if I must say so myself!!!

Now it's on to back splash, cabinets and paint....OH MY!

Ending and Beginning

It's a crazy feeling, when you know you need to tell people....but you just dont have the energy to. When speaking or typing the words feels like a feat too big to even start to overcome.

When the need to put into words your "story" becomes all you can think about. The need to share what is going on so that you can avoid the awkward questions and random encouragement. If everyone only knew how exhausting this is. Emotionally, physically....just exhausting.



Grieving isn't something I do well. Especially grieving the loss of something that you will never have...have never had....

I do it in my own ways. Maybe a breakdown.... a tearful, sobbing, slobbery mess. Maybe a joke, or two, or 50! Maybe silence....pure silence.

Maybe I will DIVE into something new, something fun, something crafty....or just DIVE into bed.

Either way, I know I have to do it. I know I can't keep it bottled up. But it's oh so exhausting. Bottled up isn't exhausting.



Last Wednesday I had another appointment with Dr. Haas (my RE). We did blood work and an ultra-sound. Nothing new and exciting.

He said he would call me with the results of the FSH levels around lunch time.

I think that was a VERY long 4 hours for me.

Around 1:15 he called. I think I already knew the answer....but I had to listen anyway.

"Mrs. Ellis, I'm afraid I dont have terrific news for you", Dr. Haas said. I told him I didn't figure he did.

My FSH levels had gone from 79 on Sept. 15th to 105, just 3 weeks later. Dr. Haas said it's now time to concentrate on the health of my body. He told me to come in next week, when my anti-malleriun tests would be in, and we could sit down and talk about hormone replacement therapy and other avenues to keep me from any bone loss.

The diagnosis: Premature Ovarian Failure....aka Premature Menopause.



Yes, that's right ... I said, "Premature MENOPAUSE". Yes, the kind with the evil hot flashes (which I have been experiencing for about a month now), the 97 trips to the bathroom to pee, the occasional night sweats (thank the Lord that these have not been too severe yet), the exhaustion..... you name it! It's ALL mine!

At age 31, I am having to deal with things that my own Mother is just now experiencing.



All of that pails in comparison to the fact that I will never have a child. I will never experience what it is like to create another human being...one that will hold DNA from Clint and I. I will never have the experience of trying to figure out who they look more like, if they have my hair or Clint's...my eye color or his.....and the list goes on and on!

It's a lot to take in.... but if you know me well at all, you know that I can handle it. You know that I am strong and that I pray and know that God will take care of me.
You know that I need comfort and support, but that I am not going to crumble. I'm going to hold my head high and let the excitement of what God has in store for me ignite in my heart.

I trust that what I heard God saying all those months ago.....that I will not be able to have children, that I will adopt.... has now become my truth. I know that when you listen to God and follow Him that you will come out on the other side amazed at what you life has become.


I love you all and I'm SO blessed to have such wonderful friends and family.
xoxoxo

Back In Business- *sort-of*

With adoption on the horizon.. I have started working hard on my Etsy shop and my website. Lots of diaper cakes, and other crafty "creations" in the works. Spread the word!
www.sewcuteandcrafty.com and www.etsy.com/shop/craftycreations2

I love making these cute personalized onesies! So adorable!
These crayon rolls have been really popular! I can personalize them too!

Love to decorate for Halloween? Me too!!! Cute 9x11 "Boo" wood sign.

Cutie little lovie blankets! SUPER soft minky fabric to snuggle with!

All handmade by me!! All proceeds will go to our adoption journey!

Our First Conference Call with Gladney

Wednesday morning we had our first conference call with the Gladney Center for Adoption.
We went over the packet they sent us, ALL the paperwork needed, and the fee schedule. Pretty overwhelming.
Our next step will be to send in the request for the formal application to Gladney (along with our $300).
We are soaking it all in right now, and waiting for our appointment next Wednesday before we do anything.
I am excited and it feels right.....to be doing what I felt God has been asking me to do since Bruce left.

Time will tell.

Drug Free for 8 Days!

I'm sure that title will show up in a lot of random Google searches...but mine is a different kind of "drug-free"!
My last appointment with Dr. Haas (my RE) didn't go so well. After a week on 100mg of Clomid, no follicles formed and things weren't looking all that great. He put me on Provera and said that he hopes we are just dealing with ovaries that are still "sick" from surgery. My FSH levels told a different story. With my levels going from 50 one week to 79 the very next, Dr. Haas is scared that we may be facing ovarian failure (premature menopause). With all that being said, he put me on 7 days of Provera.
I have been off the Provera for 8 days, with no signs of a period at all.
I called him yesterday and asked to come in next week for more blood work. I need some answers and some closure!
My next appointment is next Wednesday at 8am. I'll have the answers (hopefully) by the end of that day!

Weekend in Review

This weekend was nice! The weather, the projects, baseball, friends....all nice! We are still working on our "new" kitchen table. We have successfully painted the chairs this awesome green, and the table is now brown...so this weekend Clint cut my seats out! Yippee!

So now I just need to cut the foam, get some cotton bunting stuff (if that's even the right way to say it) and cover these puppies!!! So ready for my kitchen to be back in order.

I also spent time this weekend getting these cute lovie blankets done for my sister-in-law who is expecting twins a month from now.

The first one was hard, but then I got the hang of it! I'm even going to try and sell some on Craigslist!!

I lOVE this cute whale fabric...and the stop signs!

Blake played in a tournament in Edmond. The weather was perfect for Fall ball! I wish it would stay like this all through the winter!

This week is Laynie's last softball game.

Clint and I are headed down to Big 'D' for a little "Red River Rivalry" this weekend. My boss was nice enough to give me two nights at the Omni and his OU/TX tickets that he usually sells on Ebay! So Clint and I are headed South for the weekend! Can't wait!!!!!

Bring The Rain

Why

The Bible says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Hmmmmm. Was that the case with me? Put it this way….
I have come to believe that, sometimes, God’s best for me is a “no.” “No” to my plan. “No” to my timetable. “No” to me being in control. In the moment, that message causes so much pain. It hurts my heart (don’t you love me, God?), my spirit (can I still trust you, God?), and my mind (this makes no sense, God!). If I’m honest, I’ll admit it also wounds my pride (I resent this, God).
*from the Pregnant with Hope blog*

How true this message is. I too long for some answers from God….”why me, why now, why, why, why?” I seem to fall into that way of thinking at least once a day. It’s a constant struggle to “stay afloat” when you feel like you are drowning in your own self pity. Last week we had a horrible appointment with our doc. Found out that we may be facing Premature Ovarian Failure (or Premature Menopause). The doctors are stumped as to why I was able to form 2 great follicles in July, which lead us to our first IUI…which didn’t work. My FSH levels are testing in the high 80′s (normal is 12 or below) and I don't seem to be reacting to the higher doses of Clomid. My heart is breaking at the thought of never experiencing pregnancy, childbirth, or a sweet baby that looks like my husband and I. My prayer is that we are just dealing with two ovaries that had a very rough endometriosis surgery and are still healing….my endo surgery was July 2nd. I pray for that all the time. I can’t lose hope.
My husband and I have talked about adoption. We would rather spend our money on that then egg donation (which I’m just not comfortable with) and we have always had a place in our hearts for orphaned children. We were foster parents for a little while and found it to be one of the most awesome, fulfilling things we have ever done. With that being said…..I don't like to talk about it “too” much, because then it makes it feel more real..that I wont be able to become pregnant. That it's making it final or something! Right now I am living day by day. I try not to obsess about it. It's hard. Very hard.

I LOVE reading the Pregnant with Hope blog. It gives me hope and reminds me that our God is an awesome God and He can move mountains! I need all the help and encouragement I can get. It can feel very lonely (infertility). Something that you NEVER thought you would have to experience.

No one really "gets" it.

Laynie is 14 today!!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Laynie!!!

It's hard to believe that our little Laynie is 14 today! It feels like yesterday that I was meeting her for the first time.

When Clint and I started dating we made the decision for me to wait about 3 months to meet the kids. In that time Clint talked about me with them. One time, Laynie made me a little braided necklace out of string and had Clint give it to me. I still have it to this day. Little did I know then, that that sweet little girl would grow up to be such a wonderful, caring, bright, funny, friendly, unselfish, silly young lady. She is such a delightful young girl and I love spending time with her.

Everyone always *gasps* when I say that I have a 14yr old step-daughter that lives with us 1/2 the time. I always have to correct them and put them at ease that MY step-daughter is the BEST! She's not dramatic, sassy, cranky, emotional.... nothing that a typical 14 yr old girl is. For this I thank GOD all the time!

Happy Birthday sweet Laynie, you are such a wonderful daughter and I am blessed to have you in my life!

Dear Doctor: Really???

Really? Did you REALLY just tell me that my ovary is in SHOCK from my endo surgery!? COME ON! Get the ice-cold water and wake it up already!

Really? Did you REALLY just say that my blood work showed that my ovary is not responding?

Really? Did you REALLY just say that my FSH level was a 50 (normal is below a 12 and menopausal women are at 140)????

Really? Did you REALLY say you want to keep me on the double dose of Clomid (the one that makes me HOT and nauseated...and icky feeling)...just to see "what happens" next Wednesday when you do another ultrasound??!!

Really? Did you REALLY just follow up the previous comment with, "but I don't expect there to be any change"?????????????????

Really? Did you REALLY just say that this is concerning to you and probably is to me too? DUH!

*Sigh*

Shopping Extravaganza!

Just thought I would post this pic from our shopping trip! Thank goodness we removed one of the seats in the back of the surburban!! The 5 of us had so much fun!

WTH?????????

Now I get why all the infertility blogs I read call the appointments with their doctors the "WTF" appointments. Because when you leave there your going, "WTF just happened"??!!
I kept mine a little tamed and said, "WTH"??!!

Today I had my "WTH" appointment to see if the Clomid has done it's job!

BIG GIANT FAIL!

Geez! COME On!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Haas said that I had 5(qty) 1-5 (cm) follicles on my left ovary (they are mature at 18) and NONE on my right. He said my right ovary was the one that was operated on the most to remove the endometriosis! He said it just may be taking it a while to recover.
He has put me back on Clomid and doubled my dose. I start that today and take it until Saturday. I go back for another follicle check on Wednesday the 15th.

I think if I wasn't SO exhausted from the weekend (which was great!) that I would be more upset then I am. I guess I just wish there was SOME step in the right direction. I just feel like I am walking in place!!!!! Never getting anywhere!!!

Ok, that's all the rant I have in me.

Dallas Baby!

So my sweet hubby left for his sailing race in Nebraska last night. I was REALLY sad to see him go and I felt like I should've tagged along for the 6 day journey...but I'm staying behind to watch over the house, welcome the kids back home on Monday, attend Blake's first Fall baseball game on Tuesday & Laynie's softball game as well.... paint the kitchen...WHEW! A LOT to do! But FIRST..........

DALLAS with my 5 friendsies!

I can't wait to eat, shop, eat, shop, eat, shop...oh and maybe sleep too! Speaking of sleep, my Mom hooked us up with 2 rooms at the new ALoft Hotel in Las Colinas. We get the "Friends and Family" rate!! Yippee! Thanks Mom! The hotel is part of the new line of "W" Hotels. Super contemporary and chic! Can't wait!!!

Round Two..ding ding

My meds are all ready to go...my "trigger shot" is here, my clomid is kickin....now we just need some egg action and we'll be good!!

Last night I started Clomid. Just 50mg a night until Friday. It doesn't seem to have much of an effect on me other then the hot flashes and occasional nausea. It's all worth it if I can get a few good, mature follicles! We'll see next Tuesday!
God is good!

Sun Bathing

This little squirrel was just hanging out on our gate a few weeks ago. It just makes me laugh for some reason!

Kitchen Demo!

Can't EVEN put into words how excited I am to start on this project! GOODBYE 1970's tile back splash!!
We previously said goodbye to the same tile counter tops over Mothers Day weekend this year. That was SUCH an improvement to our kitchen!!!
While Clint was at baseball practice with Blake last Saturday, I took the opportunity to try and help out! I have SORE arms, but what a stress reliever!!! :)

Here's a pic of the mess! I tried to keep it picked up and control the dust....I think I did pretty good.

Here is after I busted tail for 2 hours.... Clint was very proud of me!!

So then it was Clint's turn to take over.

I am going to order the glass tile for the back splash next week. I am SUPER excited to get this going!

I have picked out a greenish-blue for the walls...the cabinets are getting a makeover but they are staying white....I will be finishing up with the table we bought off of CL in the next few weeks since I now have the fabric for the chairs!!! SUPER PUMPED!!!! Can't wait to share more progress pics with all 5 of my blog readers! haha.

Doctor Appointment Monday

I had my follow-up doc appointment yesterday with Dr. H. He said that everything looked good...my cyst had shrunk to a 7 (it was 18), so the Northindrone worked.
He told me to stop taking it because it had successfully suppressed my ovaries so much that I will probably not have a period now. Of course I was totally confused thinking, "great, now I wont be able to do another IUI until I get the stupid thing"...but apparently I was wrong. Since Dr. H is in total control of my "cycle" he can make it happen or not happen.
He said if I don't have a period by Monday the 30th then I am to call him and he will "create" a cycle day 1 for me. He wrote me the prescription for Clomid and ordered my HcG trigger shot (it will be delivered this week) and sent me on my way. Clint laughed and said he better order me two of them since I shattered the bottle last time.
I think this time I will open the box while sitting on the carpet...maybe even on top of a pillow for extra cushion!!

So I guess we will see what next week holds. I don't feel much of anything right now. Never wanting to get my hopes up or get excited about much of anything. I guess it comes with the territory!

Laynie's First Softball game

Laynie had her first softball game last night. They won by 1 point and she played great! She's in 8th grade and is considered "Varsity" now. She LOVES that title!! ;)

Fabulous Friday

I am really glad it's Friday. I have a couple DIY projects that I am eager to work on this weekend.

Monday I have an appointment with my RE (that's reproductive endocrinologist) and hopefully we find that the cyst has gone away and we can just wait for my next period and move forward!!!! I'll be praying for that all weekend.

First Day of School 2010

Well today is the first day of school for the kids! The summer really flew by, but I must admit I am glad to see school roll around again. I'm a sucker for a schedule and routine! WOW...that made me sound really dorky!

Laynie is in 8th grade this year. She's excited that she's in Yearbook and I'm excited she's in a typing class....hee hee hee. She is in an accelerated Math class (NEVER could I EVER do that!! Smart cookie Laynie!) and is taking 2D Art and is playing softball this Fall!
She ended last year with straight A's and I know she will do just as good this year! She is such a smart, talented young lady and I enjoy her sweet, helpful spirit!!

Blake is in 5th grade this year. He has a sweet, young (no kids, not married) teacher this year....so that can either be a good thing (he loves to charm the ladies!) or it can be a bad thing (his talking could totally get on her nerves!)....we are praying for the first! Last year Mrs. Boswell always had nice things to say about Blake. That he's kind and helpful....and oh yea, that he TALKS non-stop! hA! That's our Blake!!!!
He is playing Fall baseball and really growing. I can see it in his face the most. It's not so "baby" anymore :(
He is funny and super energetic....and he is a sweetheart.

We are so proud of both of the kids and are looking forward to another great school year!!!!

(P.S. No, we didn't take up hunting.....they are at their Mom's this week!)

Top 5 t-shirt

Get Your Sew on!

In my two weeks of waiting and wondering.....I got my "sew" on! We have a fantastic fabric store in OKC called Quilt Works! It's FULL of great fabric that you can't find at your local Hob Lob or at Hancock's! This CA-ute dress was made for my CA-ute little neighbor Caroline. It was my first time using the elastic thread...that stuff was amazing! The ruffle at the bottom had my head spinning, but all-in-all it turned out pretty cute!! Caroline modeled it real quick after her bath...it wasn't tied very tight so it looks funny at the top.


She rocked it a few days later with some gold sandals!!!!






I have also been making a few more of these crayon rolls. I put an add on Craigslist and got a couple of orders. This one was my first "personalized" order. I think it turned out pretty cute!





This fabric I am in LUV with. I'm not sure why...I don't have any little girls in my house....but I would LOVE to make something fun with this fabric! It's called Kokka Trefle Forest Park in white. It was hard to find online, but I scored a 1/2 yard on Etsy! Maybe I'll think of something to make with it soon.





As for my "Journey to Motherhood"...I am still on the Northindrone 2x a day. I go back to see Dr. Haas on Monday the 23rd. I am praying for some good news for a change.

"Pregnant With Hope"

I have really enjoyed the "Pregnant With Hope" book AND blog! It's really put a whole new "spin" on everything going on right now. If ever I'm feeling down or worried, I like to pick up the book and start reading (or go to her website). It's comforting and has really helped me a lot!
Here's an excerpt that I wanted to share and remind myself of all the time!!!

As Trey said, “You can’t take it all on yourself. But with infertility, it’s very common to keep it private and not open up. I think it’s critical to have support. For us, that was huge. It’s so important to surround yourself with people who understand and can relate.”
Why? Because you can’t change your feelings about this experience until you see the connection to your thoughts. Thoughts determine feelings, actions, and even outcomes. If your thoughts are consistently anxious and self-focused — When will it happen for me? Why is everyone able to get pregnant but me? — you will constantly be filled with worry, feeling helpless and hopeless.
If, instead, you choose to dwell on different thoughts — God has promised His best to those who trust Him, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” — you will begin to feel and act differently. You will find peace in the midst of uncertainty. And that can transform the journey.
It’s a moment-by-moment battle to take negative thoughts captive, and one worth fighting. Surround yourself with people who understand… people who are fighting the same fight you are. Encourage and inspire one another. And in God’s perfect time, you will emerge victorious.

Minor set back...my FAV!

I had a doctors appointment today to see if I had any remaining follicles and to get on Clomid and get this process started again!!!! Well.....that's what I thought would happen. Seems that my body NEVER does what it's supposed to!!!!!
During my ultrasound the doc found a rather large cyst on one of my ovaries...which smashed the follicles on that side. The other ovary had 4 follicles.
In order for us to "responsibly" move forward, he wants to wait for the cyst to shrink and go away. This happens during your cycle...you can form cysts and they will go away with time and the help of the hormone in your birth control pills.
He put me back on the Northindrone for 14 days and at that time I will return for another ultrasound and then wait for my period again.

I have to say I was a little frustrated. Ok, a LOT frustrated. I don't want to gripe or complain or seem like "whoa is me"....because I know that my situation could be WAY worse. I am grateful that it's not.

So now I just take this medicine for 14 days...and return on the 23rd for another ultrasound. Then wait for my August period and go from there.

Let's Start Over....shall we?

My test(s) this morning were negative. Got my "girly gift" yesterday. Fun.Stuff!

I have a call in to my doctor to see where we go from here. I see more Clomid in my future.

All week I have not "felt" pregnant...not that I know what that feels like or anything. I just didn't feel like things were going in that direction.

I just got a call back...I go in on Monday for an ultrasound to see if there are any remaining follicles (still don't exactly know what follicles are...I guess I need to Google that). Then she said I will go back on Clomid on Tuesday.

Maybe this time I can refrain from dropping (and smashing) the vile of the HcG drug...geez!!!

Reminder!

3 Days Away!

2 weeks ago tomorrow we did our first IUI. It was crazy to be able to lay there and watch the whole thing on the monitor! Clint made me laugh saying that we needed to play some mood music! What a goof!

The procedure took all of 10 min and I had to lay there for an additional 20. Since then I have hesitate to go to the restroom in fear that I may have started my period. What a life!!!
haha
Tomorrow is the 2 week mark and the doc said that if I don't have my period by Friday that I need to call them. If only period symptoms weren't almost EXACTLY like pregnancy symptoms. I'm very fatigued right now....is that period fatigue or pregnancy fatigue....GEEZ!

I have been patient the past two weeks. I only took one test so far and it was pretty darn early on. I learned my lesson....NO tests until Friday!!

So, until then...I am working on my kitchen table, sewing, making diaper cakes...etc! Basically keeping BuSy!

Time For Projects.... Finally!

So, what's a girl to do when she has time on her hands and she's NOT SICK? Well..... PROJECTS of course!!!! I have two projects going right now.... an inside one, and an outside one!

My inside project is sewing!!

I'm making this sweet little "Maddy" dress.

So far I have done the front and the back...including the cute "stretchy" part. I had never sewn with elastic-y thread before. It was fun!

My second project ... "outside"... is to sand, prime, & paint my new breakfast table!! I got it this past weekend on CL for $100. Super cute but SUPER hard to sand! So many tiny grooves! It took me all day yesterday to sand the table and one chair! I have decided I will do one chair per night and then spend this weekend getting fabric and paint!

This sweet set belonged to an elderly lady.....hence the LoVeLY seat covers! It was even velvety feeling!!!

"Grandma" meant business when she recovered these bad boys! I think there was less then 1/2 and inch between staples!!!! It was ExHauSTing!

Here's the pretty table drying after her first 2 coats of Kilz primer...

Now tonight I will start on the top of the table and get another chair done. Hopefully! :)

THANK YOU!

Thank you Lord for this news....for this glorious news! I am truly blessed!

H*O*P*E

HOPE: a word that has never had so much meaning, until now! When reading about HOPE on a blog that I love, Pregnant With Hope, I came across this paragraph that spoke to me:

What is the reason for hope that is unshakable? The goodness of God. It is completely reliable.


One day, you, too, will have a compelling answer when people ask, “How were you able to sustain your hope? How did you keep believing a baby would come until yours finally did?” Lean into believing there is a reason to hope. Honor God with your trust. He will reward you with blessings you can only imagine.

Today I had my CT scan to see if there is something wrong post-op. I'm relieved it came back normal...a bit frustrated that there are still no answers for my pain and discomfort....but I feel blessed through it all.
My white count is starting to fall...which means my infection is getting weaker. This is great news.
I received my "trigger" shot of HcG in the mail on Wednesday. This will be given 1 day prior to the IUI as sort of an extra "umph" for ovulation.

My next appointment is Sunday morning at 8am. They mean business!
If all goes well, we will undergo our first IUI in the next few weeks!

Thank you to all my beloved friends who have prayed for me and given me such support!
Clint....well lets just say he is husband of the YEAR for sure! What a wonderful man he is!!!!!

Summer Swimming!