Bring The Rain

Why

The Bible says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Hmmmmm. Was that the case with me? Put it this way….
I have come to believe that, sometimes, God’s best for me is a “no.” “No” to my plan. “No” to my timetable. “No” to me being in control. In the moment, that message causes so much pain. It hurts my heart (don’t you love me, God?), my spirit (can I still trust you, God?), and my mind (this makes no sense, God!). If I’m honest, I’ll admit it also wounds my pride (I resent this, God).
*from the Pregnant with Hope blog*

How true this message is. I too long for some answers from God….”why me, why now, why, why, why?” I seem to fall into that way of thinking at least once a day. It’s a constant struggle to “stay afloat” when you feel like you are drowning in your own self pity. Last week we had a horrible appointment with our doc. Found out that we may be facing Premature Ovarian Failure (or Premature Menopause). The doctors are stumped as to why I was able to form 2 great follicles in July, which lead us to our first IUI…which didn’t work. My FSH levels are testing in the high 80′s (normal is 12 or below) and I don't seem to be reacting to the higher doses of Clomid. My heart is breaking at the thought of never experiencing pregnancy, childbirth, or a sweet baby that looks like my husband and I. My prayer is that we are just dealing with two ovaries that had a very rough endometriosis surgery and are still healing….my endo surgery was July 2nd. I pray for that all the time. I can’t lose hope.
My husband and I have talked about adoption. We would rather spend our money on that then egg donation (which I’m just not comfortable with) and we have always had a place in our hearts for orphaned children. We were foster parents for a little while and found it to be one of the most awesome, fulfilling things we have ever done. With that being said…..I don't like to talk about it “too” much, because then it makes it feel more real..that I wont be able to become pregnant. That it's making it final or something! Right now I am living day by day. I try not to obsess about it. It's hard. Very hard.

I LOVE reading the Pregnant with Hope blog. It gives me hope and reminds me that our God is an awesome God and He can move mountains! I need all the help and encouragement I can get. It can feel very lonely (infertility). Something that you NEVER thought you would have to experience.

No one really "gets" it.

Laynie is 14 today!!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Laynie!!!

It's hard to believe that our little Laynie is 14 today! It feels like yesterday that I was meeting her for the first time.

When Clint and I started dating we made the decision for me to wait about 3 months to meet the kids. In that time Clint talked about me with them. One time, Laynie made me a little braided necklace out of string and had Clint give it to me. I still have it to this day. Little did I know then, that that sweet little girl would grow up to be such a wonderful, caring, bright, funny, friendly, unselfish, silly young lady. She is such a delightful young girl and I love spending time with her.

Everyone always *gasps* when I say that I have a 14yr old step-daughter that lives with us 1/2 the time. I always have to correct them and put them at ease that MY step-daughter is the BEST! She's not dramatic, sassy, cranky, emotional.... nothing that a typical 14 yr old girl is. For this I thank GOD all the time!

Happy Birthday sweet Laynie, you are such a wonderful daughter and I am blessed to have you in my life!

Dear Doctor: Really???

Really? Did you REALLY just tell me that my ovary is in SHOCK from my endo surgery!? COME ON! Get the ice-cold water and wake it up already!

Really? Did you REALLY just say that my blood work showed that my ovary is not responding?

Really? Did you REALLY just say that my FSH level was a 50 (normal is below a 12 and menopausal women are at 140)????

Really? Did you REALLY say you want to keep me on the double dose of Clomid (the one that makes me HOT and nauseated...and icky feeling)...just to see "what happens" next Wednesday when you do another ultrasound??!!

Really? Did you REALLY just follow up the previous comment with, "but I don't expect there to be any change"?????????????????

Really? Did you REALLY just say that this is concerning to you and probably is to me too? DUH!

*Sigh*

Shopping Extravaganza!

Just thought I would post this pic from our shopping trip! Thank goodness we removed one of the seats in the back of the surburban!! The 5 of us had so much fun!

WTH?????????

Now I get why all the infertility blogs I read call the appointments with their doctors the "WTF" appointments. Because when you leave there your going, "WTF just happened"??!!
I kept mine a little tamed and said, "WTH"??!!

Today I had my "WTH" appointment to see if the Clomid has done it's job!

BIG GIANT FAIL!

Geez! COME On!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Haas said that I had 5(qty) 1-5 (cm) follicles on my left ovary (they are mature at 18) and NONE on my right. He said my right ovary was the one that was operated on the most to remove the endometriosis! He said it just may be taking it a while to recover.
He has put me back on Clomid and doubled my dose. I start that today and take it until Saturday. I go back for another follicle check on Wednesday the 15th.

I think if I wasn't SO exhausted from the weekend (which was great!) that I would be more upset then I am. I guess I just wish there was SOME step in the right direction. I just feel like I am walking in place!!!!! Never getting anywhere!!!

Ok, that's all the rant I have in me.

Dallas Baby!

So my sweet hubby left for his sailing race in Nebraska last night. I was REALLY sad to see him go and I felt like I should've tagged along for the 6 day journey...but I'm staying behind to watch over the house, welcome the kids back home on Monday, attend Blake's first Fall baseball game on Tuesday & Laynie's softball game as well.... paint the kitchen...WHEW! A LOT to do! But FIRST..........

DALLAS with my 5 friendsies!

I can't wait to eat, shop, eat, shop, eat, shop...oh and maybe sleep too! Speaking of sleep, my Mom hooked us up with 2 rooms at the new ALoft Hotel in Las Colinas. We get the "Friends and Family" rate!! Yippee! Thanks Mom! The hotel is part of the new line of "W" Hotels. Super contemporary and chic! Can't wait!!!